KIWI, PEANUTS AND RAISIN LOOK ALIKE

What’s your definition of FUN? Mine is Kiwi, Peanuts and “raisin looks alike soft tissue.” For whatever that means just leave the description that way.  I can’t afford to be explicit! 

 I have second thoughts of writing this because I know there are repercussions of all the write ups I have here. But since I became single almost four years ago, I opened my life in public.  And my point is, you’re in my blog, so it’s my world!   

  

THE ONLY FRUIT IN THE FRIDGE

I must admit it’s crazy to share this to you but I tell you anyway.  One lazy afternoon, I wanted to do something new and exciting but there were only Kiwi and peanuts on the fridge. Boredom may have hit me hard because the sliced kiwi and preserved peanuts landed lining up on top of a warm soft organism.  Coupled with raisin looked alike thing, clothes were sprawled all over the floor. 

  

SEND ME RUNNING AWAY

I was having so much fun that I couldn’t get over the thoughts of Kiwi, peanuts and raisin look alike thing even when I went to bed. There were times my thoughts drifted back to kiwi, peanuts and raisin look alike thing bringing silly smile on my face.  I lost focus and I didn’t know it until my assistant told me “Ms you’re quiet but I am not worried you’re not happy with my work because you are smiling”.   

I thought someone splashed water on me. I get paranoid thinking maybe it was only me who was having fun that I get rejected for another kiwi adventure. 

My paranoia escalated to the issue of women’s expiry that I was so quick to jump on the plane out heading south even ahead of schedule. I had butterflies on my stomach pushing me to grab any changes laid down for me.  All I had in mind was to run as far as I could. 

WORRIES LANDED ME TO VARIOUS MEDICAL CHECK

The word rejection is the greatest fear of my life even when I was a kid. Then pressure from work started hitting hard on me plus the worries on its chain reaction to my body and the potential incapacity of being a woman. I was lucky that my tough experience in life taught me to usually address issues logically. I thought I couldn’t run away on scientific facts of a human body, just like how I hide in every failed relationship. I was scared to listen to any doctors diagnosis but the pressure from work and personal struggle was too much of a torture.  I thought if I couldn’t get hold of my thoughts it might kill me the next day, so I went running to various doctor’s clinics. 

In six hours I spent over a thousand dollars. But what is money compared to the peace of mind that it brought me.  The smile on my face and my passion to vlog came back. I am, afterall, still a woman. Rejected maybe but knowing I can still be beautiful and healthy was enough for me to hit my high heels intelligently in the corporate world.       

THE MORE I DENY THE MORE IT ATTRACTS ME 

True, I run away but I still long for my friend’s presence playing kiwi, laugh at his jokes and the banter of sarcastic remarks.  It was just for fun but I woke up one day confused having difficulty figuring out the difference between desire and love.  I drove myself crazy at work 300 times more than my normal activities.  I contacted all my remaining friends in Saigon, hang around with them after work and getting only a total of 4 to 5 hours rest. I didn’t pause until migraine started banging my head hard.  Worse, my brain in between work won’t shut off remembering kiwi, peanuts, talking, hugging and laughters like broken vinyl played all over again. The more I deny how I feel, the more I long for the good times.  

FLOAT AND LET SITUATION HANDLE IT

There’s a plus and minus to be in your 40s. The plus side is you will be more matured to deal with the situation. 

Women can easily fall in love with men especially if the connection and physical activities are there.  

The fact that I am craving every single thing about him I know I am falling into the trap that I set in.  I thought my goal was just to have fun but I was having so much fun I guess that I fall for the guy.  Falling in love supposedly is a beautiful feeling but the more I kept saying no, it’s not happening the more I felt crap.  The butterflies in my stomach won’t leave until I told myself I will just float, surrender myself and let the situation handle the situation itself. I will express how I feel but let the Universe handle it.  Funny it did work, decisions were just handed to me like silver platter and I don’t get that shitty feeling.  The Universe was like an angel to me even giving me the chance to let what I had in my chest out, on my birthday! It was like a birthday present too!     

TWISTED REALITY

Being independent as a woman is a power.  I can do what I want. I have this perception that I can play fire with any man I like without my emotions getting trapped.  I did play fire even the red flag was visibly blocking infront of me.  My attitude was like, friends with benefit I can just walk out without getting attached. But that was a real bullshit, the more I deny, the more I set the trap, the more I get trapped. I get vulnerable and weak.   There’s no such thing as being tough without feeling anything. I have to go to a process of surrendering myself to whatever was handed to me.  It was so unlike of me though to just hand my ego to what the Universe prepared for me. But take it from me, if you want peace of mind then let the situation handle it for you. I stop depriving myself of what makes me happy. Now I am chilled, I can hit the keyboard and vlog!