Mui Ne Sunrise Sand Dunes

Amazing Unknown?

Few years ago, I developed a therapy on recovering fast from any breakup by listening to pop, reggae, disco or rock music. 

I can get myself lost with music just by dancing and swaying until I get tired and immediately sleep like a baby once my head hit the pillow. 

Today, I am back to that mood listening to Desmeon’s Undone song, dancing with it as it reverberated in my room, hopefully no complaints lodge against me to the management of The Manor Residence.  I just moved in, so I don’t know who my neighbors are yet. :-) 

After few years jumping from one assignment to another, mostly north and central Vietnam, I am back to Saigon. 

A pilot friend once told me, pilots life can be challenging the fact that they kept moving from one place to another every six months. He said it can be lonely with family far from them.

And what’s that got to do with me? I mentioned that because I felt that my career in the hospitality industry is no difference at all.  

Every now and then I kept moving, shortest was two months. For single like me, it has a plus and minus. The plus is the perks are good.  As an Asian woman I am way more lucky among others, I can afford to travel wherever I want and be as posh as I can without worries. 

The minus is, I can’t established real friendship or relationship and it can get lonely after work. I miss those days I have someone who gives me the attention I needed, someone I can laugh and play with like a child. Or a group of friends that I can hang out with.

As I grow older though I become matured in handling situations like this.  I always look at the positive side otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with loneliness after work. 

Surprisingly, I’ve learned few things about myself too. My relationships, all failed I guess (lol) ranged from most gentle to the most unstable with very interesting challenges in between that made me realize my mistakes. 

It taught me what my journey was all about. 

I have been blessed to enjoy the luxury and privileged of having someone to think of. I said privilege because no matter how unstable things were, I’ve learned how to appreciate the beauty  of its experience which we could not always have. 

I know my women friends will disagree on that but be kind ladies! I’ve learned how to be gentle to myself with those experience. It made me think of the unknown (on a personal journey) to be amazing.  

Why? Number one, I know men are complicated and I have learned how to be patient with them. I’ve learned how to respect and let go.  Though I must admit recently was a real struggle, with six times times goodbye (lol), but I did respect his wishes.  I let him be happy without my existence knowing he found himself already.  I miss my “kiddo” title though lol. 

I’ve learned how to be sexy and confident around men even without make up :-). I’ve learned how to communicate my pain without offending anybody. And most of all I’ve learned how to love. :-)

What I haven’t learned yet is to keep my mouth shut when I am with a man (lol). What I am saying is this quote “less is more, more is less”.  Me, when happy or overwhelmed tend to talk more which I realize it makes me less desirable of a woman. :-)

Anyway, it’s a beautiful learning experience for me. And now I am singing and dancing Desmeon’s Undone song which perhaps, for few weeks will be reverberating in my room’s wall after work.  My soul is free and I look forward to the unknown, whatever would that be, I am sure it would be amazing!  

KIWI, PEANUTS AND RAISIN LOOK ALIKE

What’s your definition of FUN? Mine is Kiwi, Peanuts and “raisin looks alike soft tissue.” For whatever that means just leave the description that way.  I can’t afford to be explicit! 

 I have second thoughts of writing this because I know there are repercussions of all the write ups I have here. But since I became single almost four years ago, I opened my life in public.  And my point is, you’re in my blog, so it’s my world!   

  

THE ONLY FRUIT IN THE FRIDGE

I must admit it’s crazy to share this to you but I tell you anyway.  One lazy afternoon, I wanted to do something new and exciting but there were only Kiwi and peanuts on the fridge. Boredom may have hit me hard because the sliced kiwi and preserved peanuts landed lining up on top of a warm soft organism.  Coupled with raisin looked alike thing, clothes were sprawled all over the floor. 

  

SEND ME RUNNING AWAY

I was having so much fun that I couldn’t get over the thoughts of Kiwi, peanuts and raisin look alike thing even when I went to bed. There were times my thoughts drifted back to kiwi, peanuts and raisin look alike thing bringing silly smile on my face.  I lost focus and I didn’t know it until my assistant told me “Ms you’re quiet but I am not worried you’re not happy with my work because you are smiling”.   

I thought someone splashed water on me. I get paranoid thinking maybe it was only me who was having fun that I get rejected for another kiwi adventure. 

My paranoia escalated to the issue of women’s expiry that I was so quick to jump on the plane out heading south even ahead of schedule. I had butterflies on my stomach pushing me to grab any changes laid down for me.  All I had in mind was to run as far as I could. 

WORRIES LANDED ME TO VARIOUS MEDICAL CHECK

The word rejection is the greatest fear of my life even when I was a kid. Then pressure from work started hitting hard on me plus the worries on its chain reaction to my body and the potential incapacity of being a woman. I was lucky that my tough experience in life taught me to usually address issues logically. I thought I couldn’t run away on scientific facts of a human body, just like how I hide in every failed relationship. I was scared to listen to any doctors diagnosis but the pressure from work and personal struggle was too much of a torture.  I thought if I couldn’t get hold of my thoughts it might kill me the next day, so I went running to various doctor’s clinics. 

In six hours I spent over a thousand dollars. But what is money compared to the peace of mind that it brought me.  The smile on my face and my passion to vlog came back. I am, afterall, still a woman. Rejected maybe but knowing I can still be beautiful and healthy was enough for me to hit my high heels intelligently in the corporate world.       

THE MORE I DENY THE MORE IT ATTRACTS ME 

True, I run away but I still long for my friend’s presence playing kiwi, laugh at his jokes and the banter of sarcastic remarks.  It was just for fun but I woke up one day confused having difficulty figuring out the difference between desire and love.  I drove myself crazy at work 300 times more than my normal activities.  I contacted all my remaining friends in Saigon, hang around with them after work and getting only a total of 4 to 5 hours rest. I didn’t pause until migraine started banging my head hard.  Worse, my brain in between work won’t shut off remembering kiwi, peanuts, talking, hugging and laughters like broken vinyl played all over again. The more I deny how I feel, the more I long for the good times.  

FLOAT AND LET SITUATION HANDLE IT

There’s a plus and minus to be in your 40s. The plus side is you will be more matured to deal with the situation. 

Women can easily fall in love with men especially if the connection and physical activities are there.  

The fact that I am craving every single thing about him I know I am falling into the trap that I set in.  I thought my goal was just to have fun but I was having so much fun I guess that I fall for the guy.  Falling in love supposedly is a beautiful feeling but the more I kept saying no, it’s not happening the more I felt crap.  The butterflies in my stomach won’t leave until I told myself I will just float, surrender myself and let the situation handle the situation itself. I will express how I feel but let the Universe handle it.  Funny it did work, decisions were just handed to me like silver platter and I don’t get that shitty feeling.  The Universe was like an angel to me even giving me the chance to let what I had in my chest out, on my birthday! It was like a birthday present too!     

TWISTED REALITY

Being independent as a woman is a power.  I can do what I want. I have this perception that I can play fire with any man I like without my emotions getting trapped.  I did play fire even the red flag was visibly blocking infront of me.  My attitude was like, friends with benefit I can just walk out without getting attached. But that was a real bullshit, the more I deny, the more I set the trap, the more I get trapped. I get vulnerable and weak.   There’s no such thing as being tough without feeling anything. I have to go to a process of surrendering myself to whatever was handed to me.  It was so unlike of me though to just hand my ego to what the Universe prepared for me. But take it from me, if you want peace of mind then let the situation handle it for you. I stop depriving myself of what makes me happy. Now I am chilled, I can hit the keyboard and vlog!  

FEAR/APPRECIATION

I thought I’ll start a journal on my blog because I don’t know what’s there ahead of me.  For all I know, I will accidentally lost my balance while standing, trip off and hit my head on the floor and never wake up forever, so you have my blog to read.

I was walking next to Sandra and I saw everyone was looking at us.  I thought “wow” I am a head turner now?  However, that was not the case I was walking with a tall good looking western lady, so everyone is ogling. I told Sandra I am not going to walk next to her as I look like a hobbit next to her and someone might tell me to shave my feet!

Sandra is in her late twenties and I’m already in my 40’s but we had wonderful time together. We laughed at everything, finding joke even from simple seafood we saw at the wet market. We shared pictures of our dream guys, sexy hot photos of celebrities and laugh at it.  I was like in my twenties too which was a good break from my normal serious routine. 

I shared my greatest fear which is dying. I don’t know why all of the sudden sometimes I have this crazy thoughts about “what if I die, I can’t see everyone anymore.”   I didn’t think of anything but all of the sudden it just pop up. It’s one of the reasons as well, why I don’t read posts in facebook about people who died.  

Sandra was too nice in giving me inspirational link to read in accepting our fears. Although, I can’t still accept the fact that we are heading towards the destination of being buried 30 feet under the ground. I know everyone will die. But I just had that fear. The reason I wrote this journal is because maybe tomorrow I won’t wake up anymore, at least you all know.  I have enjoyed my youth and I appreciate the love and care of my family, my siblings whom I often talk on the phone and my nephew and nieces whom I always joke around with.

I also appreciate the people that made me happy from friends to lovers. To Paul, my ex, who never forget to greet me a happy birthday in advance. I am surprised you remember me actually. But thank you. I know you will read my blog and I am glad you do. 

My appreciation as well for that one person that makes me happy nowadays, I won’t mention names but I know that you knew who you are. No matter how short our time is, I love every minute of it. Thank you for letting me be myself when I am with you. 

Alright that's my journal for this day.   

REALIZATION (The woman in me)

    GUTS

I don’t know where to start because this is such a painful reality for me as a woman but a realization triggered me to write this.

Let’s start from my early years back home. Everyone knows me as a type of person who doesn’t give a damn, tough and outspoken. Somehow, it’s true.  But I must tell you it’s not inborn in me. I acquired that in the course of my former career being in the frontline chasing news.

I dreamt of joining campus beauty pageant but I am not tall and beautiful. I am close to being a hobbit with big nose, so I invested my focus in joining sports activities to get popular. I gave my full attention in training to be a volleyball setter which paved way for me to get a varsity scholarship program.

I dreamt of becoming a flight stewardess but the requirements were quite high. Again, must be tall and beautiful. I only have guts and brain, so I focused on my strength instead.  My guts for chasing news where I stand fearless covering conflict, get embedded by military troops and be a witnessed of how an exchange of gunfire felt like. It was dangerous but I loved it, treating danger like a piece of cake.

My guts and brain brought me to SouthEast Asian borders. I was the only reporter who was at the camp of Nuon Chea (Khmer Rouge Brother Number 2) when United Nations declared to put him on trial for the “killing fields” in Cambodia. With an interpreter paid by SouthEast Asian Press Alliance (SEAPA) I disguised myself as a Filipino teacher wanting to teach the kids in the camp of Nuon Chea.   

Fresh from College, I was selected to undergo the fellowship program of SEAPA, bringing journalist from ASEAN countries to conduct investigative journalism based in Bangkok.  It was my first experience overseas. I was young and fearless to cross the jungles of the border between Thailand and Cambodia.  I slept in one of the houses of Khmer Rouge leader’s camp in Pailin with a scared interpreter who almost gave me away as undercover trainee journalist.

    INSECURITY BRINGS OUT THE BEST OF MY CAREER 

Today when I think of those days, I can understand those people who hate me or described me as a “bitch.” I was tough, not afraid to expose anomalies. Perhaps if you are in my shoes with so much insecurities of my physical appearance then you would understand. I just covered my insecurities with whatever strength I discovered of myself.

The world is cruel and always unfair, so I have to grab every opportunity that can make me a person I wanted to be. If I can’t be popular with being “Miss Beautiful” then I can be the “Miss Achiever”. 

This is the same in joining the business world.  Shifting 360 degrees from my former career, I have to pitch myself to get into this industry.  Vietnamese are biased with Asian managers. I look like Vietnamese, so they expect me to be young and beautiful which I am not.

 Basic golden rule in the hospitality, we are facing visitors so, we “can’t be old” otherwise I have to speak their language to be able to get a job.   Good Lord, I only have two to three Vietnamese words and I am getting older but here I am still working in the hospitality industry in Vietnam. I was able to swim gracefully in a very challenging environment. 

 SACRIFICING PERSONAL LIFE

To manage properties, they prefer white looking person, European or French specifically.  But you can see, from height to my tongue nothing resembles to that requirement. I am dwarf with Asian face full of wrinkles already. If I can only replace my face with Barbie doll’s face, I did it already. But I would look weird, imagine a Barbie doll face with brown skin, dwarf and fat.  It doesn’t match, does it? 

To be able to swim gracefully in a challenging environment it has consequences, a dead personal life. Unknowingly, I slowly killed my personal life. It’s so hard to get into where I am now that I was willing to to do everything that hinder my way. I thought my prince charming will still be there for me.  But one day, I woke up with a partner who already hated me. 

I remembered wearing a body fit dress to go with my 7-inches high heeled shoes to please my former partner.  But I was to be on the motorbike and I wasn’t happy about it. In the Philippines, we don’t go on motorbike if we are dressed up, so to show my unhappiness I walked out, get on the taxi and ignored his plea. I got his label of “taxi queen” which started the long war that ended the six years of relationship we built.

During our final moment, I remembered seeing hatred in his eyes as we sat on the couch discussing how we go through in taking a break from everything. A mutual understanding but deep inside it tore me apart.  I know it was painful for him too, so we both managed to be friends until the time we haven’t heard from each other. Can’t point a finger, I was part to be blamed.  

I always thought of my career as my strength that I am not scared of letting go of anything. I know I am not beautiful but I can pitch myself. I know too that I can get a boyfriend despite not having the looks I desired. But my perspective had changed. Maybe it’s because I am getting older?  I go on a date but I can’t enjoy if a man asks a lot of personal questions. 

 UNAVAILABILITY  

 I went on a date and it ended up me sarcastically asking the guy if I was on a job interview. Then another dinner date with one of our guests who was hitting on me.  But it ended up a disappointment. The guy was head over heels with the “COO” title.  I am not naïve and innocent, I wasn’t desired as a beautiful woman but an Asian woman with a title of COO which for him “a cool job”. 

I felt sad on the fact that no one had ever seen how sweet, loving and funny I can be. It came to a point that I gave up my desire to be with a man. Though one day, I met someone and from an unexpected turn of events, I felt special and desired.   I felt being loved and understood. Not one personal question was asked. All were laughter and desire. I was romantically knocked off my feet. The connection was surreal, yet I don’t see him. 

 He is unavailable. You might say I am crazy but I am contented. The situation suits me well. I can’t get distracted with adjustments from work.

I can’t bear the thoughts of repeating those days I have to give pressure to taxi drivers just to get me home on time or I got to explain like a novel why I kept someone waiting. Or a repeat of those nights when I get heavily criticized like I was the worse person on earth for answering work calls at 2am.

I am emotionally unavailable myself, so an equal of this situation makes it perfect for me. 

     TIME CLOCK TICKING

I was high with contentment until I get slapped with a statement on woman’s sexuality and man’s virility Women’s sexuality dies with menopause while men last forever. In short, women have its expiry! The night I heard that statement, I cried to my sleep. It was the saddest statement I ever heard. I was crying like someone died. I felt so alone that I get scared of going to sleep thinking I won’t wake up the following day anymore. Culturally, I was taught that looks and sexuality are women’s best assets.

I don’t have that so called “looks” and now sexuality will be gone, so what’s my use?   The fact that I couldn’t enjoy all, I thought I might as well not long for anyone. It was a painful realization for me but I know it’s true. Women do expire while no time clock ticking for men.  All they need is money and stability and it’s a guarantee that hundreds of younger women in Asia will come flocking to them.

To write this down is hard enough already how much more to post this online. But I thought I will since it can’t be avoided anyway. Face the hard truth. Cry, be sad, do all to release everything.

Also, l did this for those young ambitious business women hoping they will start considering now on what they really want in life, a career or a family life?  A woman cannot have both. We are built to bear children, raise kids and take care of our family. It’s the essence of being a woman.

And to think too that it’s impossible to change a situation or to change a man.  Our power is limited within ourselves. We can change ourselves but not others. So think about it now before the sunset of life catches up with you. My clock is ticking and I am almost there. I must admit I am a bit scared. I don’t know if my guts and brain will still hold me standing. 

Having said that I’ll close this by saying, you have my blog to read, FEEL FREE to judge me.     

UP IN THE AIR: HALONG BAY

Tuan Chau Island, it glitters?