REALIZATION (The woman in me)

    GUTS

I don’t know where to start because this is such a painful reality for me as a woman but a realization triggered me to write this.

Let’s start from my early years back home. Everyone knows me as a type of person who doesn’t give a damn, tough and outspoken. Somehow, it’s true.  But I must tell you it’s not inborn in me. I acquired that in the course of my former career being in the frontline chasing news.

I dreamt of joining campus beauty pageant but I am not tall and beautiful. I am close to being a hobbit with big nose, so I invested my focus in joining sports activities to get popular. I gave my full attention in training to be a volleyball setter which paved way for me to get a varsity scholarship program.

I dreamt of becoming a flight stewardess but the requirements were quite high. Again, must be tall and beautiful. I only have guts and brain, so I focused on my strength instead.  My guts for chasing news where I stand fearless covering conflict, get embedded by military troops and be a witnessed of how an exchange of gunfire felt like. It was dangerous but I loved it, treating danger like a piece of cake.

My guts and brain brought me to SouthEast Asian borders. I was the only reporter who was at the camp of Nuon Chea (Khmer Rouge Brother Number 2) when United Nations declared to put him on trial for the “killing fields” in Cambodia. With an interpreter paid by SouthEast Asian Press Alliance (SEAPA) I disguised myself as a Filipino teacher wanting to teach the kids in the camp of Nuon Chea.   

Fresh from College, I was selected to undergo the fellowship program of SEAPA, bringing journalist from ASEAN countries to conduct investigative journalism based in Bangkok.  It was my first experience overseas. I was young and fearless to cross the jungles of the border between Thailand and Cambodia.  I slept in one of the houses of Khmer Rouge leader’s camp in Pailin with a scared interpreter who almost gave me away as undercover trainee journalist.

    INSECURITY BRINGS OUT THE BEST OF MY CAREER 

Today when I think of those days, I can understand those people who hate me or described me as a “bitch.” I was tough, not afraid to expose anomalies. Perhaps if you are in my shoes with so much insecurities of my physical appearance then you would understand. I just covered my insecurities with whatever strength I discovered of myself.

The world is cruel and always unfair, so I have to grab every opportunity that can make me a person I wanted to be. If I can’t be popular with being “Miss Beautiful” then I can be the “Miss Achiever”. 

This is the same in joining the business world.  Shifting 360 degrees from my former career, I have to pitch myself to get into this industry.  Vietnamese are biased with Asian managers. I look like Vietnamese, so they expect me to be young and beautiful which I am not.

 Basic golden rule in the hospitality, we are facing visitors so, we “can’t be old” otherwise I have to speak their language to be able to get a job.   Good Lord, I only have two to three Vietnamese words and I am getting older but here I am still working in the hospitality industry in Vietnam. I was able to swim gracefully in a very challenging environment. 

 SACRIFICING PERSONAL LIFE

To manage properties, they prefer white looking person, European or French specifically.  But you can see, from height to my tongue nothing resembles to that requirement. I am dwarf with Asian face full of wrinkles already. If I can only replace my face with Barbie doll’s face, I did it already. But I would look weird, imagine a Barbie doll face with brown skin, dwarf and fat.  It doesn’t match, does it? 

To be able to swim gracefully in a challenging environment it has consequences, a dead personal life. Unknowingly, I slowly killed my personal life. It’s so hard to get into where I am now that I was willing to to do everything that hinder my way. I thought my prince charming will still be there for me.  But one day, I woke up with a partner who already hated me. 

I remembered wearing a body fit dress to go with my 7-inches high heeled shoes to please my former partner.  But I was to be on the motorbike and I wasn’t happy about it. In the Philippines, we don’t go on motorbike if we are dressed up, so to show my unhappiness I walked out, get on the taxi and ignored his plea. I got his label of “taxi queen” which started the long war that ended the six years of relationship we built.

During our final moment, I remembered seeing hatred in his eyes as we sat on the couch discussing how we go through in taking a break from everything. A mutual understanding but deep inside it tore me apart.  I know it was painful for him too, so we both managed to be friends until the time we haven’t heard from each other. Can’t point a finger, I was part to be blamed.  

I always thought of my career as my strength that I am not scared of letting go of anything. I know I am not beautiful but I can pitch myself. I know too that I can get a boyfriend despite not having the looks I desired. But my perspective had changed. Maybe it’s because I am getting older?  I go on a date but I can’t enjoy if a man asks a lot of personal questions. 

 UNAVAILABILITY  

 I went on a date and it ended up me sarcastically asking the guy if I was on a job interview. Then another dinner date with one of our guests who was hitting on me.  But it ended up a disappointment. The guy was head over heels with the “COO” title.  I am not naïve and innocent, I wasn’t desired as a beautiful woman but an Asian woman with a title of COO which for him “a cool job”. 

I felt sad on the fact that no one had ever seen how sweet, loving and funny I can be. It came to a point that I gave up my desire to be with a man. Though one day, I met someone and from an unexpected turn of events, I felt special and desired.   I felt being loved and understood. Not one personal question was asked. All were laughter and desire. I was romantically knocked off my feet. The connection was surreal, yet I don’t see him. 

 He is unavailable. You might say I am crazy but I am contented. The situation suits me well. I can’t get distracted with adjustments from work.

I can’t bear the thoughts of repeating those days I have to give pressure to taxi drivers just to get me home on time or I got to explain like a novel why I kept someone waiting. Or a repeat of those nights when I get heavily criticized like I was the worse person on earth for answering work calls at 2am.

I am emotionally unavailable myself, so an equal of this situation makes it perfect for me. 

     TIME CLOCK TICKING

I was high with contentment until I get slapped with a statement on woman’s sexuality and man’s virility Women’s sexuality dies with menopause while men last forever. In short, women have its expiry! The night I heard that statement, I cried to my sleep. It was the saddest statement I ever heard. I was crying like someone died. I felt so alone that I get scared of going to sleep thinking I won’t wake up the following day anymore. Culturally, I was taught that looks and sexuality are women’s best assets.

I don’t have that so called “looks” and now sexuality will be gone, so what’s my use?   The fact that I couldn’t enjoy all, I thought I might as well not long for anyone. It was a painful realization for me but I know it’s true. Women do expire while no time clock ticking for men.  All they need is money and stability and it’s a guarantee that hundreds of younger women in Asia will come flocking to them.

To write this down is hard enough already how much more to post this online. But I thought I will since it can’t be avoided anyway. Face the hard truth. Cry, be sad, do all to release everything.

Also, l did this for those young ambitious business women hoping they will start considering now on what they really want in life, a career or a family life?  A woman cannot have both. We are built to bear children, raise kids and take care of our family. It’s the essence of being a woman.

And to think too that it’s impossible to change a situation or to change a man.  Our power is limited within ourselves. We can change ourselves but not others. So think about it now before the sunset of life catches up with you. My clock is ticking and I am almost there. I must admit I am a bit scared. I don’t know if my guts and brain will still hold me standing. 

Having said that I’ll close this by saying, you have my blog to read, FEEL FREE to judge me.